Crying

I feel like crying.

I dont know what it is.

Today, Carole, Jazmin, and Merrik came over and we watched the 3 Twilight movies. It was wonderful being around them. Drew was out of the house all day... and i feel like he REALLY doesn't like them. But, I'll have to talk to him about that later. Anyways, I'm now just sitting here, with my sleeping puppies right by my side. and I just have this sad feeling. Christmas is almost here...

I have so many gifts to still get! I cant believe it! I'm so excited... but I'm not at the same time! I hate when i get into this funk... now that i realize it, this is why i like to be on the move, doing something everyday! I like to feel sad. I used to HATE being alone.... but now, i dont mind as much... its just the 'yuck' feeling.

Anyways, i think I'll head to bed! I have work tomorrow! Drew isn't home yet... but... i dont care, im tired. lol

Alright, I'll try to write later!

Thoughts and Feelings

Hello.

I've been having so many thoughts.

Oh, and feelings. crying?... why do i cry?

But I also laugh. and smile.

So, here are my thoughts&feelings : love. anger. hope. sad. happy. fear. dread. disappointment.

And, i know this is normal. Everyone feels this way... but i need to get out my emotions on paper (aka. the internet). I'm having my own issues with friends. And, last night i got together with one of my friends, Vanessa, and i was telling her how i was feeling. I'm feeling like i care more about my friendship's than my friends do... And, she told me she went through this last year, with herself. What she was saying, thats how I'm feeling... like you have to get in contact with everyone, and try try try.... and I was telling Vanessa, how i HAVE to TRY not to text or call someone... just to see if they will think of me and get a hold of me. I just dont like doing this... and trying to be someone im not. I know that EVERYONE is different and has there own lives, but just a "hey, how are ya", is great with me. Maybe I'm different and like to keep in touch with friends... and maybe I need new friends. But, I've just been feeling, like a crazy women... lol, because i read this and feel like such a baby! But, actually, I dont care! I needed to get this out.

So, I know who my friends are... So, i know some of them are selfish... And, i know they dont think to make the first call. But, I'm just thinking, i need to find new people to bring into my life, that have the same interests as me. On a side note, last night I told drew "I need a Photographer friend... and you need a computer friend!"... And It's true, and I think I'm going to start manifesting for that to come into my life. I need to get more contacts, so I can learn the way!

So, anyways... I've been taking pictures! This past weekend I had a Family session! It's was good! I have to finish editing the photos, and I'll upload them to my Blog! I need to get on my Photography blog! I'm so behind!

Oh! I forgot to talk about this AMAZING opportunity! To tell you the truth, i was so excited at first... and then got un-excited!... So, Drew and my friends, Mike and Krysten are going to New York in April of next year! And they invited Drew and I, & Robert and Lawren to come along! I was so excited!!!! And, Drew was willing to go which made the situation so much MORE exciting! Well, last week we had a 'Girls Night' over at Lawren's, and it was DRAMA... ew.... and we ended up talking about New York. So, Lawren say's "I would like to go, but, i wouldn't want to hang out the whole time... I just want it to be me and Robert"... Which is fine and dandy with me! lol... But it got my thinking!.... I would love to do that, just Drew and I, going to all the places i want to see in New York! So anyways, Drew and I were talking about it last night, and i told him i wanted it to be just me and him.... and me saying it out loud, i wanted to laugh at myself!!!!! I've been wanting a trip to New York for as long as i can remember! And, here it is, and i said to myself TAKE IT! why not, right?!?!?! I really want to go, and I'm willing to go, right now! So going in 5 months with someone who has been (Mike)! What more could i ask for?! So all in all... I'm down!

Oh + Oh! Sister moving out here! AHHHHHHH.... I need to figure out when! lol... Drew and I need to find a Apartment! And i also need to figure out with Josh and Justin can come out with me to help chelsea and I drive cross country! So, Chelsea and I NEED to talk, we are both just so busy! BLAH! lol But, honestly, i cant wait to see her! And have her here! It just breaks my heart Mama will be alone out in Arkansas! :(

So... thats all for today folks!

Mmmm.... turkey, pie, mashed potatoes!

So Thanksgiving is ALREADY here!!!! i cant believe how fast this year has gone by! But I'm excited for the year to come though!

This year for Thanksgiving Drew and I are going to my Grandma Chiz's and then to my Grandpa Bumps and Judy's! So much food is going to be in our bellies! lol But I'm excited to see my cousin's! And this is our first Thanksgiving as a married couple! I'm so excited! lol... PLUS this is my favorite holiday!

Well, life as of today...

I'm in the works of building my Photography Website & Portfolio! Looking for a new Apartment! Getting ready for my sister to move out here! Looking for Christmas Gifts, which is really difficult this year, for some reason?! Manifesting every night for better and better things to come my way! And still learning who i am, and who I'm becoming.

The Married life, we are peachy! Still learning a lot about each other, even after 6 years of dating and 3 months of marriage, relationships are work! We keep building your relationship... and we keep walking up every step life gives us! So we are doing good! Life has slowed down since summer, and i love and hate it at the same time! I love the lazy days after work, just hanging out with Drew and Babies. But I also love going out with friends and family and just being on the go go go! I seem to be so indecisive! I want to be at home, and when I'm at home, I want to be out. I feel like I need to just figure out what i really want! It's just so difficult... So I'm trying to figure out what i want, and how to talk... because that is my weakness! I want to be able to say what i mean, and know what i want! So, from here on out... I'm going to try VERY hard to do what i want, and say what i think. I dont want to get hurt feelings anymore... or be tongue tied.

Sorry, I got off on a little tangent.

I REALLY miss my sister and Ashley...

Ideas

Photography...

Thinking...

Making a website...

Marriage...

Moving...

Seeing friends...

Missing family...

Needing money...

Babies Babies Babies

It's been a baby weekend! One of my bestfriends just had her Baby Boy, Merrik (I'll be updating my Photography Blog with pictures of Jasmin and Merrik this week)!! And one of my Oldest friends Chrystal, just had her baby boy Liam last month, but had a welcoming Liam to the world party yesterday! Liam is adorable! I'm so happy for both of my friends!!! They are both blessed with beautiful baby boys!

Today, I'm going to visit little Merrik! He's now home, and i cant wait to see that little face again! I got him a few outfits!!! I cant wait to show Jaz!

Oh my goodness, babies... i cant stop but think about when i get to have kids! I know its going to be ALOT of work! But i cant wait! I mean i can wait... i have to AT LEAST go to New York before i have a kid! I want to enjoy a few more years, being with Drew... doing things we wouldn't be able to do, if we have kids.

I think I'll make a list for myself!

Things to do before children:

- Visit New York

- Road Trip up to Canada

- Photography be my main income

- Live in something bigger than a 1 bedroom apartment

Maybe its good I cant think of anything else! lol...

I miss my mom and sister! I'll be out there in 9 days! And, i cant wait!

Also, having dinner with Carole tonight, which is ALWAYS a good time! And of course, going to see Merrik after! :D

So, I guess I'll talk to drew about my little bit of Baby Fever. lol... honestly, i think Drew doesn't want to hear it... lol... which is good! lol... I'm not ready, its just a nice thought.

A week away from Halloween!

Hello.... me? I dont think anyone reads this! lol... but I'm going to write anyways...

Since Drew and I got married, I feel like I've been alittle bitchy.... and we've been challenged with working on our relationship... Its weird, after 6 years, we get married, and now we are faced with little issues we really never considered! Or realized! But I love that we are able to talk through them, and fixed what makes us unhappy! I love that i get to grow old with this man i get to now call my Husband! :) I'm so excited to fight with him, make up, laugh, tell stories, kiss, just hold hands, and have a wonderful married life with him... He is my soul-mate, my bestfriend and I'm one of the luckiest ladies in the world, because i found him, my love, Mr. Drew Stokes.

There was a reason I opened up this new post... and now i cant remember what it is... Dont you hate when that happens?

Well, I guess when i think of it, I'll be updating a new post! lol

Husband is Mad

My poor husband, he's not happy with his job right now and I'm trying to think of things to make it better for him. i'm not all that happy with my job either, but it pay's and bills! But, I just hope going out with his friends tonight will help it alittle bit! It just breaks my heart when i see him upset or hear it in his voice! I just want to pay for him to go to the spa or something for a day and just RELAX! lol... I wonder if he would like that?! I need to make more money!

Anyways...

I've been craving to take photos! Tomorrow, I'm heading to the beach to take pictures of Emily and her boy Thomas! Last weekend, i had 2 photo sessions lined up... and they both CANCELED! It was horrible! But, I have so many ideas i want to start! First, making a business card to start handing out! I need to build my portfolio! And I'm so excited to do it! This upcoming weekend, I'll be doing a Baby Session! I'm very excited for! New experiences are amazing!

All in all, I miss Arkansas like crazy! I cant wait until November! And I'm going to talk to my Mama about Christmas! If she can come down here? or I go down there! I just dont want to be away from my sister on another Christmas! :(

But I'm going to go look into that Spa Idea... and see what i can do!

Update soon :)

Weird Feeling

Sometimes i feel weird. Like I'm not kristen...

Lately I've been just kind of blah.... And no matter what i do... i cant get out of this funk. It's so weird, because things are really looking up for me, with starting my Photography, having wonderful friends, being married to the most wonderful man in the world! And I should be on cloud 9, but i just cant get there?!

I miss my sister like crazy. And I just cant wait to go to Arkansas for a weekend in November! I miss my mama and sister :( Maybe i just miss family time! Now that the wedding is over, we are just doing our own thing, and I've been shooting (photos) every weekend for the past 3 weekends. I LOVE IT! I just hope i really get my photography out there! I'm so excited! AH!

Tonight, Mandy and I will be hanging out, and that will be nice to see her again. I miss talking to her...

Okay, I'll stop complaining about being blah! I know I'm the only one to get out of this feeling! And I'm going to try hard!

Me, Crazy?

Sometimes i think that i try WAY too hard to stay friends with people. And sometimes i feel I am too needy of a friend. I have some friends that i know we are always going to be friends, and we get together every 2 to 4 months and just catch up... But some of my other friends, i feel have the tendency to walk all over me or take me for granted... (but i could be wrong! lol)

-Just to chime in for a minute about this "walking all over kristen" aspect... I've gotten alot stronger of a person and I stick up for myself, and say what i mean and not to let people walk over me....- YEAH!

It's just, some people are not very grateful for how much i go out of MY way to do/get something for them. AHH... I hate that this gets to me... It's just a few people in my life are alittle tiring... And to be honest, I'm done. I told myself today that I'm only getting a hold of my Mama, Sister, Drew, Josh, Mom (Kathy), and Emily... If anyone actually wants to put forth the effort to contact me, instead of my ALWAYS getting a hold of them. lets see how this goes....

But on a bright note! I'm super busy with my Photography! And So very excited to be so busy!!! Drew and I are making the Website! and I have a Baby Shoot coming up this Sat! Wish me luck, I've never taken pictures of a baby before! And I'll be doing Jazmin's Maternity Shoot on Sunday! BUSY BUSY! Also, going to be doing the second half of Kailey's Head Shots next weekend! and a Family Portrait session in the next few weeks! AH! I'm so blessed to have people love my Photography, and trust me to get wonderful shots for them! I'm so excited my dream is coming true.

P.S. I love married life. And I love my Husband! He is the best thing in my life! and the more caring!

But i do miss my bestfriend/sister.... I cant wait for her to be out here!

Crazy Crazy Lady, I am...

Wow... Who would have thought that i would be Married by 23, thinking about buying a house or condo... and thinking about babies(shhh, dont tell Drew)?!... hahaha

Not that I dont want Drew to know... Its just we want kids when we have a house or a condo or something we own, and can raise our baby somewhere nice. I always go off and on with baby fever...

But this past weekend was so busy and crazy! Let me start off by saying, I have been really negative lately, and i have no idea why!?!? I just need to relax... and not worry so much! And I really need to think positively! Anyways, This weekend we went camping with our friends Robert, Lawren, Vanessa, Melissa, Krysten, and Mike. We were going somewhere 4 hours away... and i dont know why, but i wasn't looking forward to it. All in all, we got to the camp ground at 10pm on friday and set up camp, and stayed up drinking and hanging out. The next morning, we all got up, and it was already almost to 100 degrees! All in all we went to the lake for a couple of hours, and then headed back to camp to eat lunch... or so we thought. Robert (who was going to make lunch for all of us) started feeling really bad from the heat. So, we saw another camp ground that had alot of shade, and we ended up moving (with permission from the people in charge of the camp ground). All in all, after we set up our new campsite, people came over and said we were in there camp...?!?! So after moving everything, we had to pack-up again and end up packing it all in the cars... (i'm leaving alot of drama out of this....) but we decided to leave and go home, after 2 hours of moving all of our stuff and packing all of our stuff in the 100 degree weather twice! I was so happy to just leave and go home! We ended up going to BJ's and eating ALOT of food, and enjoying the air-conditioning! Thats why, Vanessa and I look so happy in that picture! ^^

Anywho, after that crazy 15 hour camping trip.... we ended up going over to Krysten and Mikes for dinner with the Camping Fam. It was so much fun, lots of food, alcohol, and a game called Killer Bunnies! hahaha, It's so fun and weird and funny. And last night we also had the camping fam come together and have dinner again! So all in all, the weekend was a success! I loved it!

Also, this weekend Drew and I started talking about buying a Condo... I'm really excited! My friend Lawren is referring me to her Aunt to help up look for something in our price range. I'm really excited to get that started! AH!

All in all, Married life is amazing! One month today! I cant believe it!...

Time of our lives.

Wow...

This is such an important and exciting time in Drew and my life! I just had my Bridal Shower this past weekend. And, i loved it! But i missed my sister and mom so much! It's weird, because i really didn't need Ashley and Jessica there. It would have been nice, but.... I REALLY wanted Chelsea there. AH! But i know she will be here in a week, and we will make up for the lost time!

But I'm trying to appreciate every moment, laugh, smile and hug! Everything has been so fun! And, seeing who really cares for you... and who will still be in our life's... Its funny, my cousin Ashli (we aren't close at all), she asked me if she was one of my bridesmaid's?!?! And her along with two other girls have been a pain in my butt about bring dates... AH! But... Now that Ashli is "getting married", now she wants to talk about herself. Its so tiring... to try to make people feel good all the time. And after all of this... I'm realizing, i dont need to do that anymore. My friend since we were 5 years old, Sarah, she wasn't going to come to my Bridal Shower, and her brother, Josh (one of my bestfriends) said he had to convince her to come!... RIGHT THEN AND THERE, i didn't want her there anymore! lol.... and Ashli is pretending she didn't get an invite... and Kathy left her a message asking if she was coming. AND Jazmin (who i've known for 11 years), doesn't work... sits at home all day, couldn't get off her ASS to support me! It's so funny, that i didn't realize, i was the one trying everytime to hang out with these people. But i realize now, i dont need them. I dont. I only need people who love me back! and Thats the promise i'm going to keep for myself, is to not try with people who dont want to try for me.

Sorry, I just need to VENT! Its so irritating. And Poor Drew, he's going through this too. But he deals with it so much better than i do.

But anyways... Thats my rant for today. I need to enjoy every moment of this, because I'm "single" for only 3 more weeks!! AH!

Independence

Vanessa and I went out last night, just to catch up and talk. It was really nice to see her. But talking to her made me remember all my dreams of being independent. My dreams of living in different cities, living by myself, making my own career... I started getting really scared about marriage! And up to this point... i've been thinking in "wife mode". I dont know what it is... I was thinking about babies, and staying home and taking care of the family... when i dont want that, for at least 2 years from now!

It's so crazy how my life has changed within the last year. For the better defiantly! My friends, the wedding, my love with Drew, my puppies, my apartment, just life in general. It's so fun and exciting. And, I realized last night, that i can be married, and become who i want to be. Drew isn't in charge of my or anything, hes just my bestfriend until forever. And I'm so happy i get to share good and bad things with him... and count on him... and just love him. I love him.

Anyways, i just needed to get that thought out. One day, Drew and I will live in New York! hehe...

Believe it.

I always pictured my life turning out a different way. Not that my life is bad or anything. I just thought it would be different. I thought i would move to New York... and make something great for myself... live by myself... find my love... get married around 26? have babies at 27 or 28.... i guess it was just my thoughts running wild! lol

I moved out to California... Thinking Drew and I could be together whenever we wanted now! Finally be together!!! And then I moved in with AnnMarie, which was my first mistake I didn't see coming. I didn't stay in school... I thought i didn't belong with Drew, because of all the influence from others. I thought i would be with Artist flowing around going on adventures by myself... that was a big for me... being by myself. hmm....

But here I am, 22, about to turn 23. And I'm getting Married to the most wonderful man alive. I dont doubt us... ever. But i do wonder... like anyone else. What if...

What if i stayed broken up with Drew...

What if I took that internship when i lived with AnnMarie?

What if i moved to Ventura with Marissa?

What if i never moved away from Arkansas?

What if i wasn't jealous of Mandy?

What if i never became friends with Sami?

Would things be better?

I'll never know. And i dont want to know, because with everything that happened.... It made me to the person i am today. And I'm liking me! I have GREAT friends, a GREAT Fiance! and I'm going to start my career, and have a GREAT career! lol.

I'm so excited to be marrying Drew. He is my best friend, my love, my soul-mate. I love him more that life its self. And I know this marriage is going to last forever and beyond! I'm so excited to get started! lol

OH! and Drew and I are almost to our 6 years mark! AH!!!!! I cant believe it!

Alright, I need to do another photoshoot of Drew and I :)

Friendship

Friendship is a tricky thing.

For years... I've been trying to befriend this girl Mandy. She was Drew's friend when i was living in Arkansas, and there was always something inside me that wanted to be her friend. No one understood why, and honestly, me either. She liked Drew, back when... and flaked on me left and right. One thing was, I was jealous of her... I thought she had this fun crazy life, with a million friends and guys and everyone flocking towards her. AND... She's so beautiful... and i guess, i wanted to be like her. All my friends would say she's ugly... and so on so forth... But honestly, she isn't. I think they would say that for my benefit.

ANYWAYS...

For like 3 years, we would hang out every now and again... catch up... and then like 6 months later, see each other again and catch up. But me, being this needy person, would text her seeing if she wanted to hang out... orrr.. call... She never responded. But for some reason, i kept bugging her. Kept asking... And Drew would ask me to stop, because i would get so upset... So one day, i decided, she wasn't worth it, obviously i wanted a friendship that she didn't. So i stopped.

But one day, i think i texted her about getting together.... and we ended up talking about everything. What she was going through and what i was going through. It was a good talk.

But... as it always went, we would not talk for months, and then get together again.

Just lately, Mandy and I started hanging out weekly. WHICH HAS NEVER HAPPENED EVER. And we are getting to know each other and learn what a friendship is. And she said to me on Friday, "there are three people who have never gave up on me, and that is Daniel, my cousin, and you". I think it was in the stars for me to stay by her, even when she didn't return the friendship to me. Everything is meant to be, right? We have the most amazing talks. I dont talk to anyone the way we talk about things. And maybe thats because Mandy is a very emotional person, and she brings that out of me... or just because its really easy to talk to her.

Anyways, I'm really greatful for her friendship... She is one of my bestfriends. :)

Bridal Shower + Summer

I told everyone that i didn't want to be involved....

Lawren, Kathy, and Fran is planning this... and no one is agreeing. So Kathy called me yesterday saying she was worried about the heat and bugs, and i agreed. Then Lawren tells me today, they plan on having it in the evening... so it wont be that bad... TRUE. So now Kathy is telling Lawren and Fran that I want it inside... and she thinks it should be flower themed. DOES SHE NOT KNOW BUT AT ALL?!?!?!?!

So here i am. Kathy complaining and Lawren complaining! BUTTTTT.... I think Lawren has a better vision for this. And honestly, i agree with what Drew told me yesterday! He said "my mom has a vision in her head, and she going to try to win". AHHH

On a happy note, We got our new baby Summer. She is the cutest puppy! Isn't she adorable!!!!????

Okay, that picture always makes me happy... and i know that everything is going to work out for the best!

Vampire Diaries

I just watched Vampire Diaries... and... WOW....

I know, im a nerd for even writing about this. But that was an incredible cliff hanger!

Dont you wish sometimes you can live in a show?! If you could, what show would it be? Do you seek thrill? Do you want mystery? Do you want happy go lucky? What would you choose?

I would probably choose FRIENDS. Having laughs, and being with your friends all the time. Yup, i just want happy and joyful all the time! lol

Or maybe you just want to be a Actress, to just be someone else. I sometimes want that. Be someone who i'm not... It sound appealing...

love... love... love

I dont know what it is lately... but Drew and I are just... happy. Nothing in our way... we talk about things when they worry us, and we both have ideas to solve them, or we just make each other feel better.

The other night we were figuring out our finances for the wedding. And, it was so nice to just talk about how we were going to make everything work, in a mature way. No one got mad at one another or yelled or stressed.

All i have to say, is that i'm the LUCKIEST girl in the world. Drew is everything. Everything wonderful. I just cant believe we are going to be starting our life's together already! I'm so excited, and scared at the same time.

And Drew's birthday is coming up... AH! I cant believe all the things coming up this summer! Drew's bday, Em's Prom, Em's Graduation, My birthday, Chelsea's birthday, Emily's birthday... and WEDDING.... so much to do!

Okay, i'll update later.

Friends

It's so strange how people can drift apart, and only one of them cares still...

This girl Sami... Its like... we were really close. But then her boyfriend tells me she talks crap about me? but then she is really helpful with problems i have, or jut listens to me. Then we ignore each other for months. Then she comes out of the blue again!!?!? I dont get it?! She is so strange, and yet, she was on of my bestfriends?! but why? I know she doesn't feel the same about me! hahahaha... its like im complaining about a guy. I just need to get over it. I need to stop. I need to stop making things seem like it was my fault! I need to stop making the first moves! How dare her not want to be my friend. I'm a really good friend!

Last night Lawren was asking me how i can be friends with Fran. I explained she is one of my bestfriends... and i know she is selfish... butttt... i love her and she has her good side too! I dont know. I'm so much better at not letting people walk all over me... but sometimes its still hard to stick up for myself?!?! WHY, why is that so hard?? It should just be... EASY!

I dont know. GR

I'll write later, i need to get to work!

wedding

I CANT WAIT!

I CANT WAIT!

I CANT WAIT!

I'm getting more and more excited everyday!

But the things i still need to do! AH!

1) Pick our cake

2) Flowers! (bouquet's and the flowers up front)

3) Choose our food we are serving

4) Get Contacts!

5) Get Extensions!

6) Pick my shoes!

7) Bridesmaid Gifts!

8) Buy Drew's wedding ring

9) Make List's for Bridal Shower (Cali & Ark)

10) Make Innovations

11) Table Chart!

12) PhotoBook!

And so much more! BUt im so excited!

I just cant wait! I need to get a move on though! only EXACTLY 4 months!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AH!!!!!! I cant believe I'll be married in 4 months?!?! Kristen Stokes.... hmmm... kinda crazy...

My Grandpa Bumps.

I'm trying to get to know my grandfather better. So I've made a pack with myself to see him AT LEAST once a month. I went over there yesterday... And right when i walked in, he asked me to take a walk with him around the block. Of course i went... but it wasn't the best conversation ever...

He wanted to talk about the past, and how me and my sister used to not like what my dad wanted to do or go (museums and such). And he went on and on, about how my dad isn't good with emotions and all this stuff i know, now as an adult. As i let me talk badly about my dad and mom... i stayed quite, cause i really couldn't do much else. Once he let me talk, i said... 'Now that im older, i know... i know how he is, and how family is and how i am... i dont need to be lectured'. You have to understand, my Grandpa Bumps, is one of those men who thinks he is always right, that his family is the best and he has the best life and he did nothing wrong, its everyone else's fault. He'll never change.

All in all, i was upset, but i couldn't show it. Two of my cousin's came over for Drew and my Engagement breakfast at Bumps and Judy's. And it was nice. I'm going to try to visit Bumps at least once a month. Because alot of people dont visit him...

Well, i just had to get that out... Now for the serious part...

When Bumps was saying all this stuff about my Dad could have had custody because of all this stuff my mom was doing, like selling things for drug money?!?!?!!?!?!!?!?!?! 'HOLD THE PHONE!' my mind was on over drive, thinking... NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! My mom doesn't do drugs! BUT, a few months back i went to visit an old friend and saw his mom who was one of my mom's bestfriends... and she referenced my mom to using also... So all in all, i was freaking out in my mind...

So, while Bumps is putting my parents down, all im thinking about it the words "drug money" over and over in my mind. My mom is a good person and a good mom, and she raised me and my sister really well! But, thinking about to our childhood, when we had no money... and no food... and growing up to find out Net and Blain (babysitters) smoked pot in front of us... what happened to be with stupid ass butch! My mom could have been using?! I hate this, and i want to ask my mom. I asked her the first time when Nancy (my friend's mom) told me about her "drug problem"?!?!? Do i ask her, confront her?! Drew says maybe it better if i dont know... but is it, really?! Do i know my mom?

When my mom visited me last summer, we went to her cousin's house and she was telling a story about when they were younger and how they use to drink at work! and Mom saw my face and started denying it! But i think it was true, she just wants to not be honest about that with me?! I dont know!? It kills me though...

okay... i'll keep thinking...